Here It Comes

It's the first week of December and it's almost here: Christmas, the holiday of holidays. I think back to a little over a month ago when the flowers on my balcony did not stand as tall and sturdy as they once did. Their petals were ever so subtly cast downwards as if to suggest a curtsy of their soon coming departure. At the time, I sighed heavily at the sign of summer's close and raised my head to the sky, narrowing my eyes in the glare of an Indian October sun. With hands on my hips, I audibly launched a terse memo to God: "Another holiday season is on its way. Same help needed!"

Why the exasperated plea?

Three words say it all: Divorced With Children.

Nine years ago, my divorce was finalized and though it would be nice to say that sharing our children over the holidays has become easier with each passing year, I'm not able to give that report.

Certainly, my ex-husband and I get along better than most divorcees, but even that fact has never softened the frustrations each holiday brings. I am remarried now, so not only do I have to accommodate my children's holiday schedule in light of their various blood relatives; I also have my second husband's family to incorporate as well. It's amazing but somehow all of us manage to make the chaos work and yet, without fail, I find myself dealing with depression at the close of what should be a jubilant season. 

I always feel like my efforts come up short and then I feel guilty for being sad because I know from living through my own parent's divorce that the holidays could be so much worse. 

With each pang I think, 'This is probably why my parents fought so much. Anger numbs you' and with that thought, I have to resist the urge to look for an excuse to pick a fight with my ex so I too can numb out from the sadness of our reality. 

Admittedly, there are times when I give in to the urge for battle. That happens for both of us on occasion but fortunately, our explosive confrontations are few and far between. We are quick to forgive, forget and move forward for the sake of the children.

I've noticed our efforts for peace increase between the months of October and January: like Homeland Security Code Orange, we are diligent to take every precaution possible in hopes of not tripping a nuclear trigger of insult and misunderstanding. I, for one, find myself exhausted when January arrives; which makes the doldrums of February look like a welcomed get-away vacation.

No, I'm not ashamed to admit it; I need supernatural power to fill the gaps of my human inadequacies. Fortunately, I believe in a God who promises that His strength is made perfect through my weakness and right now, I have no choice but to count on Him because Christmas is coming fast.