FIRST THINGS FIRST

“In five years, this thing is going to make all kinds of money!”

I heard that from a close relative of mine a little over 10 years ago. At the time, I was a struggling single mom with two children living in a seedy apartment where second-hand pot-smoke wafted through the hallways on a semi-regular basis. My heart leapt when I heard those words but I tried not to show it. I didn’t want to exude hope that all of my problems could possibly be written away with a big fat check in the near future, so I just raised my eyebrows, gave my head an encouraging tilt and said “Really? That’ll be great.” and then I turned the conversation to our dinner by remarking how good it all tasted.

But that dinner sat like a lump of lead in my gut when I got back home.

I trudged through the door, put my 3-year-old daughter to bed, carried my 6-month-old son to the rocking chair and held his sleeping self in a clutched grab to my chest. “Please God, get me through these next five years. I can hold on for five years at the most but just please let that money come through for my family. Please!”

And then I cried...

I’m hardly the only person on earth who has ever begged for external supplies. Food, water, shelter, and safety are essential and if these necessities appear to be threatened, we instinctively panic.

Notice I said ‘appear’. That is because perspective is everything.

Looking back on that night in the rocking chair, my focus on money was robbing me of the peace I needed in order to find sustainable solutions for my life. In this instance, money wasn’t motivating me towards good answers. It was distracting me into paralysis.

I forced the chair back and forth into a controlled pitch as if the staccato movement would dislodge the perfect life formula. Nothing came to mind but a steady stream of lottery fantasies intermingled with unappealing options forged by my limitations. As my mind oscillated between extremes, my eyes were fixed to the air, and like a well-suited life-metaphor, stuck to nothing in particular. Then, all of a sudden, a distinct directive interrupted my fretful mind.

“Stop, breathe and look around you.”

I did just that. A question followed:

“Do you and your children have a roof over your head?”

Yes.

“Is your stomach full?”

Yes… but…

“Again. Are you full?”

Yes.

“You have provision. What is now is what is real. The worries in your head are not real.”

When I allowed myself to agree with that perspective, peace settled in and I was able to go to bed. However, what I didn’t do was maintain that sense of calm for very long. The material world fought hard to win my complete attention and it won more often than not. The reason for this is that I looked at life as black or white. Either life was a material truth, which demanded material efforts, or life was a spiritual truth that demanded spiritual efforts. As I see it now looking back, the peace I received that night was the result of a spiritual perspective focusing my attention on a material reality. The two went hand in hand.

I mention this point because I still have the habit of sticking to my hard-lined definitions. For instance, Dr. Brian and I held a discussion about Self Mastery vs Self Harmony. I kept utilizing the word ‘mastery’ when we talked about the path to fulfillment but he chose the word ‘harmony’ instead. That annoyed me until I realized the importance behind the difference. Without realizing it, my word choice kept us grounded in the corporeal. Contrarily, his word choice embraced both the physical and the metaphysical.

Let me explain.

I thought of self-mastery as ‘achieving your optimal self’. Embracing this definition, as many often do, is to embark on a pathway that’s grounded in the material world. The reason I say this is because the definition stipulates perfection; which itself is a peak measurement obtained by comparisons between idealized behaviors alongside efforts that are less substantial. Since measurement is used to quantify substance and substance is another word for ‘matter’, then the trek to perfection is indeed a material path. Granted, there are those who see self-mastery as nothing more than control over the self, in which case, perfection is not much of a concern. But even in this case, the desire for control is usually connected to governance over the external world. In either aim, whether it’s perfection or control, it makes sense that people pursuing self-mastery would expect material proof of the progress they’ve made while taking this journey. A list of such proofs include:

1. Money
2. Power
3. Fame
4. Pleasure
5. Ease
6. Safety
7. Intelligence
8. Beauty
9. Social Identity
10. Territory

The list itself is not bad. And despite what some may tell you, even the pursuit of this list is not wrong. However, it can certainly become the catalyst behind actions that are less than complimentary as a reflection of someone trying to achieve an optimal or controlled self. In fact, all of these items have addictive potential which is why the list can be a recipe for disappointment and shame given the fact that perfection is unobtainable and control is temporary at best.

I like illustrations so let’s use one.

Let’s say your fridge is empty, the roof blew off of your house and you’ve got a pain in your elbow. Certainly, you have real problems to solve but if you’re on a ‘path to perfection’ then you’re kind of committed to solving these problems in a way that keeps you on that path, right? I mean, you can’t steal for food, or break into someone else’s house to get shelter or drink yourself silly to numb your senses, right? Now you’d think that’s a good thing. You’d think the threat of falling from the path would be enough to keep away from such awful actions but alas, idealism tends to be the pressure that forces people to fall. Maybe not in such obvious extremes as stealing, or forming an addiction of some sort but without a doubt, a version of a vice will beckon you to wander and when you do, you’ll feel shame, failure, embarrassment and a desire to either run from the path all together or adopt a renewed commitment of rigid restrictions to keep you chained to the course.

So what am I saying then? Am I saying to abandon the list?

No.

Well, then am I saying to abandon ideals?

No.

Well then, what the heck am I saying?

It's simple. Put first things first.

Before approaching life’s externals, tend to the inward. This is called self-harmony and even though it sounds like religious mumbo-jumbo, it’s available to anyone regardless of theology or there-lack-of.

Here are the factors that it’s composed of:

1. Awareness
2. Compassion
3. Balance
4. Purpose
5. Flexibility
6. Relaxation
7. Optimism
8. Health
9. Creativity
10. Integration

Rather than thinking of this list as just another pathway to perfection, think of it as contentment achieved through a sense of perceived control. It’s what allowed me to receive peace that night 10 plus years ago when I counted my blessings instead of counting my lack. Of course, my circumstances didn’t change when I woke up the next day but at least I received the calm I needed to get a good night’s sleep. Had I continued to cultivate harmony, I could have used the peace and rest I obtained to consider external solutions that would have been both effective and satisfying for my life. Instead, I decided to enroll in the school of hard knocks. But, hey, I earned a PhD so I guess it all worked out.

Seriously though, can you sense that the self-harmony list is far more potent than the other preceding it? Mind you, I didn’t say it was better. I’m saying that it’s where the power for true long lasting change originates. It’s the source that brings quality and contentment to our material pursuits. Dr. Brian calls it the home of the Divine Spark. The origin of it lies within you, right now, and nothing external can control it unless you give your permission. In essence, this is how you become your true self. Do you know what is most wonderful about that? Your true self doesn’t need “improvement”. All you need to do is settle into it more and more often. As such, there’s no pressure.

Because this topic has so many layers to mine, you’re invited to contact Dr. Brian directly at brianh@excellencetree.com if you would like to know more about the self-harmony process.

Thanks so much for taking the time to read today’s entry. I’ve had the great pleasure of hearing from some of you directly and I can’t tell you how much I’ve enjoyed your input.

May the dialogue continue and spur us on.

MASTER OF THE INNERVERSE : A HARMONIOUS ACTION FIGURE

When I was about 7 years old, I distinctly remember having an existential moment. I was outside, looking at the world in my back yard and thinking: “What if I’ve already been here? What if my future-self found a way to travel back in time and is watching me right now?” My eyes scanned the perimeter of our property and peered into the yards surrounding it with the hope of finding a figure hiding behind a bush or a tree. Then I thought: “Maybe I’m my future-self right now! If I’m allowed to travel back in time when I grow up, I’ll need to remember this place so I can get back here.”

Then I went on to pick some poison berries from a bush, mash them up into a pretend stew and feed them to my imaginary friends.

I tell this story because I see it as an accurate distillation of the themes governing my entire life thus far: big questions in a small mind; a small boundary for a large exploration; reality poisoning the imaginary; and the imaginary giving vitality to the real. It’s also proof that I’ve had wrestling matches with the existence of God, the purpose of life, and the behaviors required to be ‘normal’ for a rather long time. This is the vita I offer you to substantiate my further ramblings. Hardly a solid premise, I know, but that’s what Dr. Brian is for. He has the résumé with academic punch. We’ll get to his work soon enough but for now, an exercise.

For fun’s sake, let’s pretend we could all go back to our younger selves and have a conversation. What would you say? Would you offer a road map full of warnings or a treasure map full of encouragement?

Think about it and decide what you would do.

Now here’s the tough question. Why? Why would you choose to say those words and what would you hope to change as a result?

What if I told you to consider the option of saying nothing at all?

Personally, I never thought of that as a legitimate option until recently. I spent way too many years trying to formulate the perfect conversation composed of carefully selected axioms that would satisfy the past while giving instructions to the present about how to carve out a faultless future. To say nothing would in fact be giving consent to everything that was awful about my life. Wouldn’t it?

Not necessarily.

Think about this: Einstein said, “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”

This proverb nettled my nerve for quite some time because regardless of my efforts, I kept experiencing the same disappointing results. Depression, discontentment and anxiety somehow ran supreme. According to Albert, this meant I had been embroiled in the same routine all along. But how could this be? Long before the Obama Nation, change was my middle name. I changed my relationships, I changed my jobs, I changed my gurus and of course, various hair lengths to boot. Basically, I was committed to altering the hypothetical conversation with my inner child whenever necessary, which indeed caused a positive difference in my behavior. Positive actions bore positive fruit and so it only stood to reason that such appealing outcomes should ultimately translate into peace and contentment, but they didn’t. Inevitably, the fruit would rot and I’d go back to rethinking my approach. I see now that Albert was right and that changing the approach to my inner conversation wasn’t change at all. I needed to stop having the conversation all together and allow that little girl to go on with her life, bumps and bruises included.

This is the act of acceptance and acceptance is the mother of peace and contentment.

When I asked you to imagine what you would say to your younger self, I’m sure at least one regret popped into your head as the basis for your conversation. Or you thought of something horrible that was done to you, or some privilege that you frittered away or heaven only knows what else. Even for those of us who were taught in Sunday school that God offers grace laced forgiveness, even those people are tempted to allow their past to inform them on ways to construct immovable lives of certainty and perfection that bear no scars of a life once imperfectly lived. Where’s the authenticity in that and how can you possibly experience true peace and contentment living behind such a façade? The truth is, you can’t. The moment you try to converse with the past so as to effect change in your present, that’s the moment you’ve rejected yourself. It’s the moment you let shame dictate the constructs of your life. It’s when you create a list of obligatory ‘shoulds’ instead of a design of impassioned “wants”. It’s resignation to a prison cell of inauthenticity.

This realization about acceptance and authenticity has led me to a level of awareness that has finally connected my head to my heart.

Dr. Brian has a lot to say about the topic of self-awareness. He breaks down the phenomenon into three parts: the felt sense, the emotional sense and the rational sense. A healthy felt sense allows us to obtain positive experiences through our body minus the analytical interruptions. The emotional sense allows us to appreciate our feelings without judgments, and a robust rational sense enables thoughts to flow without censorship. When a person learns how to fully integrate all three areas in a working whole, self-awareness is at its peak. Being mindful of our relationship to the world around us is essential to moving through life peaceably. Will conflicts inevitably occur? Be assured! But when you cultivate awareness, you can make anticipations that allow you to adjust accordingly. This breeds confidence and permits contentment to rest heavy. It also becomes the conduit through which self-mastery can take place.

What is self-mastery? Is it some narcissistic endeavor for worldly success? Unfortunately, many people pursue it as such and inevitably fall into disappointment. The love of money, power, pleasure, acceptance and even security are all ill motives that distract humanity from achieving a true sense of mastery over the self; which is best defined as the ability to harmoniously influence yourself in the direction you want to go. Boy that sounds simple doesn’t it? Well, it is but it’s just not that easy to pull off on a consistent basis without good solid support. Next week we’ll take a closer look at the components that comprise a harmonized self as well as the structure needed to give it support.

In the meantime, if you have any questions, observations or insights you’d like to share, please feel free to do so. This blog is a trove of welcome for such treasures. Dr. Brian is also willing to make himself available to those who feel compelled to make direct contact. For those concerned about privacy, you are also free to send a message to us through Facebook.

Enjoy the rest of this week and may acceptance, authenticity and awareness mark your days ahead!

The Start of Something Excellent

Perspective and behavior have always fascinated me. Not just those belonging to others but mine as well. Because of this, part of my life journey has been to find harmony in thought and deed so that my days of satisfaction will outweigh the irksome. Like many, I’ve explored all sorts of “methods” to achieve this end. Buying self-help books is just one of them. On that front, I’m hardly alone.

Who hasn’t noticed there’s a zillion dollar self-help industry out there providing a great resource for inspiration but not much else? The industry has been rather pathetic in terms of actually creating independent people who can take care of themselves. I mean, isn’t that what self-help is supposed to do? Teach you how to help yourself? Why hasn't that happened on a large earth shattering scale? Where have the gurus, both religious and secular, failed? It has not escaped my notice that almost all of them employ some kind of metaphor to express their process but I truly feel their use of the metaphor is cursory and therefore lacking. Personally, when I encounter a metaphor, I regard it as a conduit that connects a universal spiritual truth to an exclusive finite reality. Like Mary Poppins’ magic bag: on the surface exists an agent of rules and boundaries, but when you open it up, inside there is an endless universe of interpretive possibility. Think of the power that unleashes! A figurative expression, whether religious or secular, becomes a passageway to receiving applicable insight for deep personal growth. It also means that people who differ in their interpretations no longer have to fight over them. I think that's the best outcome of a concept like this.  

I have been exploring these thoughts with a friend of mine who not only has a Ph.D. in psychology but also happens to specialize in the area of life satisfaction and excellence. Our time together has been very enriching as he has agreed to subject himself to my many questions about his research and ongoing work while I have agreed to explore a metaphor he has created called The Excellence Tree.

I will be posting every Monday morning to my blog about this journey of ours and would like to invite you to accompany us on this trek. Our first stop: self-mastery… or self-harmony as Dr. Brian likes to call it.

Together, we’ll explore the differences in their connotation under the canopy of the Excellence Tree.