When I was about 7 years old, I distinctly remember having an existential moment. I was outside, looking at the world in my back yard and thinking: “What if I’ve already been here? What if my future-self found a way to travel back in time and is watching me right now?” My eyes scanned the perimeter of our property and peered into the yards surrounding it with the hope of finding a figure hiding behind a bush or a tree. Then I thought: “Maybe I’m my future-self right now! If I’m allowed to travel back in time when I grow up, I’ll need to remember this place so I can get back here.”
Then I went on to pick some poison berries from a bush, mash them up into a pretend stew and feed them to my imaginary friends.
I tell this story because I see it as an accurate distillation of the themes governing my entire life thus far: big questions in a small mind; a small boundary for a large exploration; reality poisoning the imaginary; and the imaginary giving vitality to the real. It’s also proof that I’ve had wrestling matches with the existence of God, the purpose of life, and the behaviors required to be ‘normal’ for a rather long time. This is the vita I offer you to substantiate my further ramblings. Hardly a solid premise, I know, but that’s what Dr. Brian is for. He has the résumé with academic punch. We’ll get to his work soon enough but for now, an exercise.
For fun’s sake, let’s pretend we could all go back to our younger selves and have a conversation. What would you say? Would you offer a road map full of warnings or a treasure map full of encouragement?
Think about it and decide what you would do.
Now here’s the tough question. Why? Why would you choose to say those words and what would you hope to change as a result?
What if I told you to consider the option of saying nothing at all?
Personally, I never thought of that as a legitimate option until recently. I spent way too many years trying to formulate the perfect conversation composed of carefully selected axioms that would satisfy the past while giving instructions to the present about how to carve out a faultless future. To say nothing would in fact be giving consent to everything that was awful about my life. Wouldn’t it?
Not necessarily.
Think about this: Einstein said, “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”
This proverb nettled my nerve for quite some time because regardless of my efforts, I kept experiencing the same disappointing results. Depression, discontentment and anxiety somehow ran supreme. According to Albert, this meant I had been embroiled in the same routine all along. But how could this be? Long before the Obama Nation, change was my middle name. I changed my relationships, I changed my jobs, I changed my gurus and of course, various hair lengths to boot. Basically, I was committed to altering the hypothetical conversation with my inner child whenever necessary, which indeed caused a positive difference in my behavior. Positive actions bore positive fruit and so it only stood to reason that such appealing outcomes should ultimately translate into peace and contentment, but they didn’t. Inevitably, the fruit would rot and I’d go back to rethinking my approach. I see now that Albert was right and that changing the approach to my inner conversation wasn’t change at all. I needed to stop having the conversation all together and allow that little girl to go on with her life, bumps and bruises included.
This is the act of acceptance and acceptance is the mother of peace and contentment.
When I asked you to imagine what you would say to your younger self, I’m sure at least one regret popped into your head as the basis for your conversation. Or you thought of something horrible that was done to you, or some privilege that you frittered away or heaven only knows what else. Even for those of us who were taught in Sunday school that God offers grace laced forgiveness, even those people are tempted to allow their past to inform them on ways to construct immovable lives of certainty and perfection that bear no scars of a life once imperfectly lived. Where’s the authenticity in that and how can you possibly experience true peace and contentment living behind such a façade? The truth is, you can’t. The moment you try to converse with the past so as to effect change in your present, that’s the moment you’ve rejected yourself. It’s the moment you let shame dictate the constructs of your life. It’s when you create a list of obligatory ‘shoulds’ instead of a design of impassioned “wants”. It’s resignation to a prison cell of inauthenticity.
This realization about acceptance and authenticity has led me to a level of awareness that has finally connected my head to my heart.
Dr. Brian has a lot to say about the topic of self-awareness. He breaks down the phenomenon into three parts: the felt sense, the emotional sense and the rational sense. A healthy felt sense allows us to obtain positive experiences through our body minus the analytical interruptions. The emotional sense allows us to appreciate our feelings without judgments, and a robust rational sense enables thoughts to flow without censorship. When a person learns how to fully integrate all three areas in a working whole, self-awareness is at its peak. Being mindful of our relationship to the world around us is essential to moving through life peaceably. Will conflicts inevitably occur? Be assured! But when you cultivate awareness, you can make anticipations that allow you to adjust accordingly. This breeds confidence and permits contentment to rest heavy. It also becomes the conduit through which self-mastery can take place.
What is self-mastery? Is it some narcissistic endeavor for worldly success? Unfortunately, many people pursue it as such and inevitably fall into disappointment. The love of money, power, pleasure, acceptance and even security are all ill motives that distract humanity from achieving a true sense of mastery over the self; which is best defined as the ability to harmoniously influence yourself in the direction you want to go. Boy that sounds simple doesn’t it? Well, it is but it’s just not that easy to pull off on a consistent basis without good solid support. Next week we’ll take a closer look at the components that comprise a harmonized self as well as the structure needed to give it support.
In the meantime, if you have any questions, observations or insights you’d like to share, please feel free to do so. This blog is a trove of welcome for such treasures. Dr. Brian is also willing to make himself available to those who feel compelled to make direct contact. For those concerned about privacy, you are also free to send a message to us through Facebook.
Enjoy the rest of this week and may acceptance, authenticity and awareness mark your days ahead!
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