FIRST THINGS FIRST

“In five years, this thing is going to make all kinds of money!”

I heard that from a close relative of mine a little over 10 years ago. At the time, I was a struggling single mom with two children living in a seedy apartment where second-hand pot-smoke wafted through the hallways on a semi-regular basis. My heart leapt when I heard those words but I tried not to show it. I didn’t want to exude hope that all of my problems could possibly be written away with a big fat check in the near future, so I just raised my eyebrows, gave my head an encouraging tilt and said “Really? That’ll be great.” and then I turned the conversation to our dinner by remarking how good it all tasted.

But that dinner sat like a lump of lead in my gut when I got back home.

I trudged through the door, put my 3-year-old daughter to bed, carried my 6-month-old son to the rocking chair and held his sleeping self in a clutched grab to my chest. “Please God, get me through these next five years. I can hold on for five years at the most but just please let that money come through for my family. Please!”

And then I cried...

I’m hardly the only person on earth who has ever begged for external supplies. Food, water, shelter, and safety are essential and if these necessities appear to be threatened, we instinctively panic.

Notice I said ‘appear’. That is because perspective is everything.

Looking back on that night in the rocking chair, my focus on money was robbing me of the peace I needed in order to find sustainable solutions for my life. In this instance, money wasn’t motivating me towards good answers. It was distracting me into paralysis.

I forced the chair back and forth into a controlled pitch as if the staccato movement would dislodge the perfect life formula. Nothing came to mind but a steady stream of lottery fantasies intermingled with unappealing options forged by my limitations. As my mind oscillated between extremes, my eyes were fixed to the air, and like a well-suited life-metaphor, stuck to nothing in particular. Then, all of a sudden, a distinct directive interrupted my fretful mind.

“Stop, breathe and look around you.”

I did just that. A question followed:

“Do you and your children have a roof over your head?”

Yes.

“Is your stomach full?”

Yes… but…

“Again. Are you full?”

Yes.

“You have provision. What is now is what is real. The worries in your head are not real.”

When I allowed myself to agree with that perspective, peace settled in and I was able to go to bed. However, what I didn’t do was maintain that sense of calm for very long. The material world fought hard to win my complete attention and it won more often than not. The reason for this is that I looked at life as black or white. Either life was a material truth, which demanded material efforts, or life was a spiritual truth that demanded spiritual efforts. As I see it now looking back, the peace I received that night was the result of a spiritual perspective focusing my attention on a material reality. The two went hand in hand.

I mention this point because I still have the habit of sticking to my hard-lined definitions. For instance, Dr. Brian and I held a discussion about Self Mastery vs Self Harmony. I kept utilizing the word ‘mastery’ when we talked about the path to fulfillment but he chose the word ‘harmony’ instead. That annoyed me until I realized the importance behind the difference. Without realizing it, my word choice kept us grounded in the corporeal. Contrarily, his word choice embraced both the physical and the metaphysical.

Let me explain.

I thought of self-mastery as ‘achieving your optimal self’. Embracing this definition, as many often do, is to embark on a pathway that’s grounded in the material world. The reason I say this is because the definition stipulates perfection; which itself is a peak measurement obtained by comparisons between idealized behaviors alongside efforts that are less substantial. Since measurement is used to quantify substance and substance is another word for ‘matter’, then the trek to perfection is indeed a material path. Granted, there are those who see self-mastery as nothing more than control over the self, in which case, perfection is not much of a concern. But even in this case, the desire for control is usually connected to governance over the external world. In either aim, whether it’s perfection or control, it makes sense that people pursuing self-mastery would expect material proof of the progress they’ve made while taking this journey. A list of such proofs include:

1. Money
2. Power
3. Fame
4. Pleasure
5. Ease
6. Safety
7. Intelligence
8. Beauty
9. Social Identity
10. Territory

The list itself is not bad. And despite what some may tell you, even the pursuit of this list is not wrong. However, it can certainly become the catalyst behind actions that are less than complimentary as a reflection of someone trying to achieve an optimal or controlled self. In fact, all of these items have addictive potential which is why the list can be a recipe for disappointment and shame given the fact that perfection is unobtainable and control is temporary at best.

I like illustrations so let’s use one.

Let’s say your fridge is empty, the roof blew off of your house and you’ve got a pain in your elbow. Certainly, you have real problems to solve but if you’re on a ‘path to perfection’ then you’re kind of committed to solving these problems in a way that keeps you on that path, right? I mean, you can’t steal for food, or break into someone else’s house to get shelter or drink yourself silly to numb your senses, right? Now you’d think that’s a good thing. You’d think the threat of falling from the path would be enough to keep away from such awful actions but alas, idealism tends to be the pressure that forces people to fall. Maybe not in such obvious extremes as stealing, or forming an addiction of some sort but without a doubt, a version of a vice will beckon you to wander and when you do, you’ll feel shame, failure, embarrassment and a desire to either run from the path all together or adopt a renewed commitment of rigid restrictions to keep you chained to the course.

So what am I saying then? Am I saying to abandon the list?

No.

Well, then am I saying to abandon ideals?

No.

Well then, what the heck am I saying?

It's simple. Put first things first.

Before approaching life’s externals, tend to the inward. This is called self-harmony and even though it sounds like religious mumbo-jumbo, it’s available to anyone regardless of theology or there-lack-of.

Here are the factors that it’s composed of:

1. Awareness
2. Compassion
3. Balance
4. Purpose
5. Flexibility
6. Relaxation
7. Optimism
8. Health
9. Creativity
10. Integration

Rather than thinking of this list as just another pathway to perfection, think of it as contentment achieved through a sense of perceived control. It’s what allowed me to receive peace that night 10 plus years ago when I counted my blessings instead of counting my lack. Of course, my circumstances didn’t change when I woke up the next day but at least I received the calm I needed to get a good night’s sleep. Had I continued to cultivate harmony, I could have used the peace and rest I obtained to consider external solutions that would have been both effective and satisfying for my life. Instead, I decided to enroll in the school of hard knocks. But, hey, I earned a PhD so I guess it all worked out.

Seriously though, can you sense that the self-harmony list is far more potent than the other preceding it? Mind you, I didn’t say it was better. I’m saying that it’s where the power for true long lasting change originates. It’s the source that brings quality and contentment to our material pursuits. Dr. Brian calls it the home of the Divine Spark. The origin of it lies within you, right now, and nothing external can control it unless you give your permission. In essence, this is how you become your true self. Do you know what is most wonderful about that? Your true self doesn’t need “improvement”. All you need to do is settle into it more and more often. As such, there’s no pressure.

Because this topic has so many layers to mine, you’re invited to contact Dr. Brian directly at brianh@excellencetree.com if you would like to know more about the self-harmony process.

Thanks so much for taking the time to read today’s entry. I’ve had the great pleasure of hearing from some of you directly and I can’t tell you how much I’ve enjoyed your input.

May the dialogue continue and spur us on.